And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
