I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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