and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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