morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
