All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
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