Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
