Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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