It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
