Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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