I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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