i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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