I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
