i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
