I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
