That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
