I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
