fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
