If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
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