She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
