"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
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if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
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