May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
