she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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