Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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