Don't make out with my wife yet
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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