Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
