I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
