dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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