All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
