Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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