You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
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