mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
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She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
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I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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