is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I think we might need a safe word for this...
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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