his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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