It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
