can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
