Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
