white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
When are your genitals available?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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