Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Just invented taco cereal.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
