Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
