I think my vagina is haunted
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
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