I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
How does it feel to date your dad?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
