I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
