just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
