just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
