I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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