Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
