She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
