I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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