Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
