She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
