Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
