I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
