How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
