Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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