make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Randomize
