Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
