he wants to bone in the snuggie
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
